disorder/disordered

January 31, 2011

Last semester everyone could tell when I was upset because I wouldn’t eat. I’d skip breakfast and lunch, and force down a few bites at dinner, because everyone was watching me. I lost something like twenty-five pounds in about a month and a half. I was always hungry, but eating made me nauseous.

Now I eat constantly. I’ve swung the other direction on the scale of eating weirdness. I’m never hungry. I can’t remember really what hunger feels like.

I remember being able to eat “normally”- you know, eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full. Eat things you want, things you like. Don’t force down food, and don’t restrict it, either. I don’t have an eating disorder by any means, but I am so, so far from eating like a normal, sane human being. “Disordered eating” is the phrase.

I’m better now than I have been. There were times when I’d refuse to eat unless others were eating too. I was ravenous but I couldn’t eat if anyone was watching me. I can do that now, eat by myself.

I’ve got a long way to go, but at least now I can eat.

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