fantasies, innocuous

December 31, 2010

I used to fantasize about shrinking down to a miniaturized me. Alan would carry me around in his pocket, where I would be safe and warm until he wanted me. He could take me out and normal-size me whenever he liked, but I couldn’t do it myself. I would just live in his pocket, happy to do whatever he liked.

Even when I’m not suicidal I fantasize about erasing myself from existence. I see me, some image I hate; I take an eraser and scrub it all away. I just disappear. It’s one of the most comforting imaginings I have. Some people find the idea of a God and an afterlife comforting. I just want to cease to exist, at the end of it all.